posted by Brandy on Jan 5
It was October 15th, 1999, and Dave and I were headed to Las Vegas for a “planned” elope. We invited a few close friends, along with our family, to join us at The Paris Hotel, Las Vegas, so we could get married in a small ceremony at 4:00 pm the following day.
As we began our adventure, several events would soon follow that most people would believe to be signs indicating they should “probably” not proceed with the marriage.
For Dave and I, being incapable of intuiting the signs, the propulsion of these fateful events were not perceived as “warnings” but rather mere events leading to the union of two lives, blended together, that would forever be filled with surprise, laughter and most importantly, modesty in that we are all human and that love is real.
Here is what happened to Dave and I on that fateful day along with a few bits of advice for you, if YOU are getting married:
- For starters, don’t ask your future in-laws to transport your wedding dress. Especially if they are driving from Salt Lake City to Las Vegas and the car they are using is on its last leg (or rather tire….) and is in desperate need of a permanent retirement to the local junkyard.
- Be careful what you eat at the Bellagio Buffet. Not ALL shrimp is good for you and you might get the shits! It is best to eat lightly, no grazing, and skip the fucking seafood.
- After eating at a Las Vegas buffet, if you DO happen to get the shits while climbing into the limousine, as you and your future husband head to city hall in order to obtain a marriage license, it is a good idea to pack a cold, wet rag along with you so you can briskly wipe the sweat that is beginning to bead between your eyebrows.
- While sitting in that same limousine, politely ask the driver to “step on the fucking gas“ as City Hall will have the nearest toilet within reach.
- Once you reach City Hall, if the burglar alarm has been sounded due to a disgruntled casino employee, filing for worker’s compensation, calmly inform the security guard that you have an “emergency” and you need to get to a bathroom as quickly as possible.
- After blazing your way through the restroom door, ask that your future husband stand “On Guard” as the door will be jammed and will not close tightly. Actually…..it won’t fucking close at all.
- Upon leaving the bathroom, patiently wait in the line of individuals that has now gathered due to the temporarily closure of City Hall so that safety workers, including the local police department, can verify that the alarm was false and the building can safely be re-opened to the public. This would also be a good time to pull out that cold, wet rag we talked about earlier…….
- Following the receipt of your marriage license, grumble to your future husband that the shits may be returning and that you now want the entire world to “Piss Off”! You are not waiting for another fucking limousine, you again have the shits and you need a taxi cab to return you quickly to your hotel.
- Have cash on hand. A lot of cash on hand. Las Vegas cab drivers don’t like credit cards and the ATM’s will charge you thousands of dollars to extract cash out of them.
- Finally……..once you reach your hotel, further empty your entrails and fall into your bed in hopes of a better day in the morning………Ignore the earthquake and two minor aftershocks. Even though the quake rumbled the floor, shook the pipes, fractured the sink and broke your half swallowed glass of champagne in half………No one was injured (too seriously….) so disregard it and go back to sleep. Your wedding day is just a few hours away…………