Kibitz ‘n Bits

I can’t take credit for writing all of this but ran across it the other day and still laugh out loud……especially for me, the one with Tourette’s which makes ANY driving experience fun for both me AND my passengers.  HA!!!

1. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio.  Attempt to head-bang 
2. At stop lights, eyeball the person in the car next to you suspiciously.  With a look of fear, lock your doors!  
3. Two words: Chicken suit 
4. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint.  The more it  looks like blood, the better  
5. Have conversations with yourself, looking periodically over at the passenger seat while driving alone  
6. Stop at the green lights………..Go at the red ones  
7. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie doll out your window or sunroof.  Feel free to make it dance  
8. Eat food that requires silverware  
9. Pass cars super fast then drive very, very slowly
10. Sing without having the radio on (this is fun, particularly if you have a Jeep, like I do!)
11. Honk frequently without motivation
12. Wave at people often.  If they wave back, offer them a sharp, angry look and flash them an obscene gesture
13. Ask people for some Grey Poupon
14. Let pedestrians know who’s boss
15. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look
16. Restart your car at every stop light
17. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window
18. Paint your car with the saying, “Eat Me!  I’m Fresh!”  (one of my favorites….)
19. Drive with at least five cats in the car
20. Throw Spam

Are you a member of the “Cheaters Club“?

For those of you who don’t know what this is, there is a group of people that both Dave and I have come to know, over the years, who “cheat” on their spouses.  We have aptly named them “Members” of the Cheater’s Club and often laugh when we add another one to the list. 

What’s interesting is that many of them believe that no one in the world knows that it is going on.  They feel that their secrets are well kept and hidden.  However, they should give thought to others, who seemingly blend into the wallpaper but observe the obscurity.  We know more than you think………

It was October 15th, 1999, and Dave and I were headed to Las Vegas for a “planned” elope. We invited a few close friends, along with our family, to join us at The Paris Hotel, Las Vegas, so we could get married in a small ceremony at 4:00 pm the following day.

As we began our adventure, several events would soon follow that most people would believe to be signs indicating they should “probably” not proceed with the marriage.

For Dave and I, being incapable of intuiting the signs, the propulsion of these fateful events were not perceived as “warnings” but rather mere events leading to the union of two lives, blended together, that would forever be filled with surprise, laughter and most importantly, modesty in that we are all human and that love is real.

Here is what happened to Dave and I on that fateful day along with a few bits of advice for you, if YOU are getting married:

1. For starters, don’t ask your future in-laws to transport your wedding dress. Especially if they are driving from Salt Lake City to Las Vegas and the car they are using is on its last leg (or rather tire….) and is in desperate need of a permanent retirement to the local junkyard.
2. Be careful what you eat at the Bellagio Buffet. Not ALL shrimp is good for you and you might get the shits! It is best to eat lightly, no grazing, and skip the fucking seafood.
3. After eating at a Las Vegas buffet, if you DO happen to get the shits while climbing into the limousine, as you and your future husband head to city hall in order to obtain a marriage license, it is a good idea to pack a cold, wet rag along with you so you can briskly wipe the sweat that is beginning to bead between your eyebrows.
4. While sitting in that same limousine, politely ask the driver to “step on the fucking gas“ as City Hall will have the nearest toilet within reach.
5. Once you reach City Hall, if the burglar alarm has been sounded due to a disgruntled casino employee, filing for worker’s compensation, calmly inform the security guard that you have an “emergency” and you need to get to a bathroom as quickly as possible.
6. After blazing your way through the restroom door, ask that your future husband stand “On Guard” as the door will be jammed and will not close tightly.  Actually…..it won’t fucking close at all.
7. Upon leaving the bathroom, patiently wait in the line of individuals that has now gathered due to the temporarily closure of City Hall so that safety workers, including the local police department, can verify that the alarm was false and the building can safely be re-opened to the public.  This would also be a good time to pull out that cold, wet rag we talked about earlier…….
8. Following the receipt of your marriage license, grumble to your future husband that the shits may be returning and that you now want the entire world to “Piss Off”!  You are not waiting for another fucking limousine, you again have the shits and you need a taxi cab to return you quickly to your hotel.
9. Have cash on hand.  A lot of cash on hand.  Las Vegas cab drivers don’t like credit cards and the ATM’s will charge you thousands of dollars to extract cash out of them.
10. Finally……..once you reach your hotel, further empty your entrails and fall into your bed in hopes of a better day in the morning………Ignore the earthquake and two minor aftershocks.  Even though the quake rumbled the floor, shook the pipes, fractured the sink and broke your half swallowed glass of champagne in half………No one was injured (too seriously….) so disregard it and go back to sleep.  Your wedding day is just a few hours away…………

Here is a brief list of topics that have weighed heavily on my mind lately.  I welcome you to also share any comments/thoughts you may have………

• The writer’s strike – It is killing me!!!  I feel as if I have been deprived of friends, both old and new, who were ripped from my nightly routine without any warning.  Familiar faces include the cast from Scrubs, Dexter, Desperate Housewives, Samantha Who and Reaper.  When will I see you guys again?!
• The war – anyway you look at it, it’s sad.  Very sad.  How did we end up in this predicament and who will we battle next?
• The physical health of one friend;  the mental health of another (most likely myself…)
• Wondering if my children will ever truly know just how much they are loved and how bright, beautiful and astonishing they are
• Wondering when, if ever, my left ass cheek will stop hurting (refer to earlier blog titled, “‘Twas 3 Nights Before Christmas and I Broke My Ass)
• The wonder, amazement and confusion as to how….. so close some families can be (such as my own)  and how far apart, or distant, others are
• Wondering if my friends, both near and far, will ever really understand how much they have impacted my life and how they have forever touched me
• The wonder as to why I, of all people, was so lucky to find a soul-mate;  someone who stands by me, who supports me and who will forever cheer me on, no matter what
• Wondering if I will ever come up with a damn logo for my Kibitz n’ Bits blog site (seriously, this one comes up a lot)
• Wondering if my mom will ever know the positive impact she has had on my life.  Not only on my self esteem and as the “role model” of the human being that I strive to be but also as the epitome of a parent who possesses absolute, unconditional love for her children. 
• Wondering what is going through my dogs’ thoughts when I catch them, on occasion, staring at my naked body up and down, as I clammor naked, out of the shower 
• At what point do you find yourself no longer afraid of the dark or of the Boogeyman?
• When will I schedule my next Brazilian wax (or rather, when do I DARE schedule my next Brazilian wax?)

and finally………..

• Wondering, with a fusion of both excitement and fear, what life will bring with each passing day as we enter the new year