Kibitz ‘n Bits

Okay, for those of us who are watching Season 7 of American Idol (and admittedly, yes, okay, for those of us who are also enjoying it …..DAVEY BOY), a question popped into my mind this week:  Is that American Idol contestant Amanda Overmyer OR is it an extremely talented Tamarin Monkey? 

Rude of me to ask you say?  Probably…..but take a peek at the pictures below and judge for yourself.    Sorry Amanda……but I had to ask the question …………

So my son, an incredibly bright, yet precocious, 7 year-old, was recently moved back a step in his First Grade reading program

No big deal…..right?  He is still doing great, just having some difficulty learning how to read.  Nothing to worry about, huh?!!! 

Well, tell that to my husband, who, by the way, is freaking out!        Me………not so much!

I, as my oldest sister Ann would claim, supposedly flunked Kindergarten and had to repeat it!  Even though I, will to this day, argue that I didn’t!  After tons of argument at a recent family gathering, we proved once and for all that my sister has taken one too many Brownies off the “Special” brownie plate…….   For fuck sake’s I graduated friggin’ high school at the age of 17 so go figure?  You do the math?!    (Thanks Sis!!!) 

I will however,  admit to being in resource for a brief stint during the first grade.  I have no idea why I had to go to resource but I was there. Maybe it was because I had maturation issues. Maybe it was because I was just too goddamn young to start school in the first place (I was, mind you, only four fucking years old when I started Kindergarten…..) Or maybe it was just because I was an idiot! 

No matter what the reason was, I was there and I will never forget. YEP!!!! I rode the short bus with all of those other window licker friends of mine and who’s to say that I did not lick a fuckin’ window or two with ‘em!

I am proud of it!!!!

So, with that said, after all of that, I still turned out okay (my husband will beg to differ).

I grew up, started a life of my own, hold down a job, have a family, raise four animals and I still turned out OKAY, well no….screw that…I turned out GREAT!!!!!!   

…..And so will my son

Earlier this week, I was saddened to hear news about the passing of a close friend of mine due to complications from surgery.  This particular person was not only my friend but she was also my boss, my mentor, my advocate and my supporter.

In the early days of my career, she held my hand and began leading me down a path of a mystifying journey, one for which I now must travel alone without her. 

But it is because of her, that I received the gift of cherished colleagues of whom I will forever rely on.  She is the one who brought all of us together originally and, throughout the years, she continued to be the epitome of a leader of whom we all modeled ourselves against. 

Isn’t it peculiar how the death of one person can somehow bring others closer together?  That, in and of itself, must be a gift….. 

My friend nurtured me, pushed me, challenged me and most importantly she supported me in my career.  She was my coach and she was my cheerleader, just as she was for all of those who were lucky enough to work for her.  

Claudia, I raise my glass of Chardonnay to you, my friend, and may the laughter that we shared live on forever………

Cheers!

So, I am on a hop recently from Salt Lake to Florida and I find myself planted in the middle seat of an overcrowded airplane.  There is not one empty seat in sight. 

No roomy, first class upgrade for me so it was back to coach to cram my fat, dimpled ass into the undersized seats of the economically challenged.  In fact, not only was I positioned smack dab in the middle of the NO-CLASS section of this particular flight, I was within ear shot (and goddamn olfactory range) of the shitter and I swear there were loose chickens, free from their rusty wire cages, scampering up and down the aisles.   

The flight departs and I now need a drink…………badly.   

So I decide to order myself a Bloody Mary.  I had a coupon from Delta for a free cocktail and, by god, I was gonna use it.  So I did!

Now, in hindsight, let me preface all of this by telling you it is NOT A GOOD IDEA for someone like me, someone who has Tourette’s syndrome, and who is planted in the middle seat of an overcrowded airplane, to order a Bloody Mary.   

In addition to this, given the fact that Bloody Mary’s include alcohol, toss in a little turbulence and you have yourself the makings for one hell of a party!!!   

Add the business woman who is clothed in a creme colored pant suit and seated in the row directly BEHIND you and we are in for one hell of a plane ride!   

BOOM!!!!    

YEP…………As you guessed it…….I TWITCHED!!!!    

FUCKING TURBULANCE!!!!…… 

OR SHOULD I SAY FUCKING TOURETTE’S?!! 

Anyway, plastic cup (that was, until that time, full of liquid) is now soaring through the air and RED Bloody Mary is whirling at high velocity and is now heading for its target, like a bumble bee aiming for the first Sunflower of spring.  The target being the business woman sitting directly behind me.   

Remember, she is clad in the pasty, pale creme power suit?   

And she is now pissed………..   

Obscenities begin to fly (surprisingly not from me….….but rather, from her???) so I slouch ever so slowly down into my chair.   

Flight attendants arrive to offer her club soda for the stains but through the narrow wedge between the seats, I glimpse the carnage for which there will be no relief.  I believe there is not enough club soda in the world that will repair the crimson stained cloth.   

Where is the Grim Reaper when you need him?  When you really, really need him…….? 

I apologized repeatedly but this particular passenger would not accept it.  The obscenities continued and I remained small and insignificant in my seat.   

Time sluggishly passed and we eventually landed, and finally the bell sounded for us to release our safety belts and exit the flight.  

I had luggage in hand and without a single glance back, I was the first passenger off the flight and was never to be seen again……..