No roomy, first class upgrade for me so it was back to coach to cram my fat, dimpled ass into the undersized seats of the economically challenged.  In fact, not only was I positioned smack dab in the middle of the NO-CLASS section of this particular flight, I was within ear shot (and goddamn olfactory range) of the shitter and I swear there were loose chickens, free from their rusty wire cages, scampering up and down the aisles.   

The flight departs and I now need a drink…………badly.   

So I decide to order myself a Bloody Mary.  I had a coupon from Delta for a free cocktail and, by god, I was gonna use it.  So I did!

Now, in hindsight, let me preface all of this by telling you it is NOT A GOOD IDEA for someone like me, someone who has Tourette’s syndrome, and who is planted in the middle seat of an overcrowded airplane, to order a Bloody Mary.   

In addition to this, given the fact that Bloody Mary’s include alcohol, toss in a little turbulence and you have yourself the makings for one hell of a party!!!   

Add the business woman who is clothed in a creme colored pant suit and seated in the row directly BEHIND you and we are in for one hell of a plane ride!   

BOOM!!!!    

YEP…………As you guessed it…….I TWITCHED!!!!    

FUCKING TURBULANCE!!!!…… 

OR SHOULD I SAY FUCKING TOURETTE’S?!! 

Anyway, plastic cup (that was, until that time, full of liquid) is now soaring through the air and RED Bloody Mary is whirling at high velocity and is now heading for its target, like a bumble bee aiming for the first Sunflower of spring.  The target being the business woman sitting directly behind me.   

Remember, she is clad in the pasty, pale creme power suit?   

And she is now pissed………..   

Obscenities begin to fly (surprisingly not from me….….but rather, from her???) so I slouch ever so slowly down into my chair.   

Flight attendants arrive to offer her club soda for the stains but through the narrow wedge between the seats, I glimpse the carnage for which there will be no relief.  I believe there is not enough club soda in the world that will repair the crimson stained cloth.   

Where is the Grim Reaper when you need him?  When you really, really need him…….? 

I apologized repeatedly but this particular passenger would not accept it.  The obscenities continued and I remained small and insignificant in my seat.   

Time sluggishly passed and we eventually landed, and finally the bell sounded for us to release our safety belts and exit the flight.  

I had luggage in hand and without a single glance back, I was the first passenger off the flight and was never to be seen again……..    

1. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio.  Attempt to head-bang 
2. At stop lights, eyeball the person in the car next to you suspiciously.  With a look of fear, lock your doors!  
3. Two words: Chicken suit 
4. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint.  The more it  looks like blood, the better  
5. Have conversations with yourself, looking periodically over at the passenger seat while driving alone  
6. Stop at the green lights………..Go at the red ones  
7. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie doll out your window or sunroof.  Feel free to make it dance  
8. Eat food that requires silverware  
9. Pass cars super fast then drive very, very slowly
10. Sing without having the radio on (this is fun, particularly if you have a Jeep, like I do!)
11. Honk frequently without motivation
12. Wave at people often.  If they wave back, offer them a sharp, angry look and flash them an obscene gesture
13. Ask people for some Grey Poupon
14. Let pedestrians know who’s boss
15. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look
16. Restart your car at every stop light
17. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window
18. Paint your car with the saying, “Eat Me!  I’m Fresh!”  (one of my favorites….)
19. Drive with at least five cats in the car
20. Throw Spam