Kibitz ‘n Bits

posted by Brandy on Feb 22

So my son, an incredibly bright, yet precocious, 7 year-old, was recently moved back a step in his First Grade reading program

No big deal…..right?  He is still doing great, just having some difficulty learning how to read.  Nothing to worry about, huh?!!! 

Well, tell that to my husband, who, by the way, is freaking out!        Me………not so much!

I, as my oldest sister Ann would claim, supposedly flunked Kindergarten and had to repeat it!  Even though I, will to this day, argue that I didn’t!  After tons of argument at a recent family gathering, we proved once and for all that my sister has taken one too many Brownies off the “Special” brownie plate…….   For fuck sake’s I graduated friggin’ high school at the age of 17 so go figure?  You do the math?!    (Thanks Sis!!!) 

I will however,  admit to being in resource for a brief stint during the first grade.  I have no idea why I had to go to resource but I was there. Maybe it was because I had maturation issues. Maybe it was because I was just too goddamn young to start school in the first place (I was, mind you, only four fucking years old when I started Kindergarten…..) Or maybe it was just because I was an idiot! 

No matter what the reason was, I was there and I will never forget. YEP!!!! I rode the short bus with all of those other window licker friends of mine and who’s to say that I did not lick a fuckin’ window or two with ‘em!

I am proud of it!!!!

So, with that said, after all of that, I still turned out okay (my husband will beg to differ).

I grew up, started a life of my own, hold down a job, have a family, raise four animals and I still turned out OKAY, well no….screw that…I turned out GREAT!!!!!!   

…..And so will my son

posted by Brandy on Jan 13

Are you a member of the “Cheaters Club“?

For those of you who don’t know what this is, there is a group of people that both Dave and I have come to know, over the years, who “cheat” on their spouses.  We have aptly named them “Members” of the Cheater’s Club and often laugh when we add another one to the list. 

What’s interesting is that many of them believe that no one in the world knows that it is going on.  They feel that their secrets are well kept and hidden.  However, they should give thought to others, who seemingly blend into the wallpaper but observe the obscurity.  We know more than you think………

posted by Brandy on Dec 12

My family and I are at a restaurant recently, having dinner, and we notice another family eating at the table next to us. As we sit there and begin to eat, we notice the *father* was wearing his Blue-tooth headset. I see that he isn’t talking on it but I do see that he occasionally scans the other diners to see if anyone is noticing “how important” he is (or rather ‘feels’ that he is) and that he is The Stud of this restaurant. Funny……

He is Soooooooo important that he needs to wear a damn headset throughout an entire meal with his family. For hell’s sake, if you are waiting for a call that is THAT important, just place your friggin’ cell phone on the table and lose the fuckin’ headset. Don’t be an arrogant moron!

I don’t understand why these people think they are so cool with those things on anyway; after all, it looked like the $30 Costco model so it wasn’t anything special (piece of shit). In fact, I have a damn Dolce & Gabbana Motorola headset. It’s gold…….ooooohhhhhhh. But you don’t see me wearing it everywhere, why… because it’s stupid!

I have even noticed men, never women, sitting on an airplane in First Class (yep, on occasion, I too get to fly First Class given all of the business trips I go on)wearing their fancy-pants Blue-tooth headsets. Okay, for fucks sake, we are on a 4 hour and 38 minute hop from Salt Lake City to Boston. What fucking call do you think you are going to get in mid-air? Aren’t cell phones supposed to be turned off? Isn’t your ear beginning to ache? The thing must be surgically attached otherwise no one would be stupid enough to wear a headset during an entire flight. Or maybe their ear has simply fused to the appliance because it’s always on……I don’t know. I can only imagine that they probably ALSO wear it in bed, in the shower, on the shitter…..

But for hell’s sake, at least lose the goddamn Blue-tooth while you are masturbating or, (for those of you who somehow manage to get somebody else in bed) lose the phone while you are having sex! NO FRIGGIN’ CALLis that important and I don’t ever want to be the unlucky bastard who rings while you are playing with something OTHER than your goddamn headset!

posted by Brandy on Dec 6

Are podiatrists all money hungry quacks that are desperate for any dime they can extract?

I recently went to a podiatrist for a possible foot fracture. After having two x-rays, it was determined that my foot is fine EXCEPT for the fact that it was previously mutilated by a different podiatrist, 22 years earlier, and that it is severely misshapen and full of arthritis.

My foot was wrapped and I was sent on my way with verbal instructions to hot pack it for the rest of the evening.

A few days later, I thought it would be interesting to look at my x-ray in detail and show my husband the carnage of a “wrong-doing” podiatrist from years past. To make a long story short, when I was in junior high, I had bone spurs on both of my heels. I was referred to a “quack” podiatrist who ended up performing the WRONG surgery on both of my feet. I then had to see yet another podiatrist for two reconstructive surgeries in a desperate attempt to repair the damage. The arthritis began, and now that I am in my 30’s, the nagging pain grows with each season.

Because I wanted a copy of this recent x-ray, I called up the new podiatrist (now referred to as Dr. Brown), spoke with his assistant and kindly asked if I could get a copy. Hell, he just billed my insurance $293 for a 10 minute office visit, two x-rays and a verbal script to hot pack my foot when I get home so I figured I wasn’t asking for anything absurd?!

I just wanted a copy of my x-ray to keep as a memento of “Foot Surgery Gone Bad.”

Dr. Brown’s assistant hemmed and hawed and when I repeated my question, she balked, “It may cost you!” Okay…..how MUCH will it cost me? She put me on hold and after falling into a zombie like trance from the Muzak that played, she returned and abruptly told me yes, they will make me a copy of my x-ray but I will need to drive in and pick it up. I said, “No problem, I will pick it up next Monday evening.”

Today was Wednesday……

Friday morning, Dr. Brown’s assistant called my home and left a stern voicemail stating that I REALLY need to come pick up my x-ray and that it is going to be TEN DOLLARS! I called her back and told her thank you for copying the x-ray for me and that, again, I will be in on MONDAY evening to pick it up. She then inquired as to which location I planned on “meeting her and Dr. Brown at” and that I needed to make sure I bring “the cash“.

OOOKKAAAYY…….. Weird.

I told her that I planned on going to the office of which I saw him at, not to far from my home. She barked stating that he is only at that office on Tuesday’s! Well jesus fucking christ, how do I know that Mr. Foot DR CHEAP ASS practices out of more than one office location. She then ordered me to send in a check, made out to Dr. Brown, in the amount of TEN DOLLARS, and to get it in the mail TODAY and they would release the x-ray.

WHAT??!! At this point, I didn’t fuckin’ care if I got the x-ray or not. It’s not that friggin’ important. I think Dr. Brown and his assistant have spent more of their time, energy and resources worrying about how and when they are going to get my goddamn $10 that they are now in a deficit and should have just mailed me a courtesy copy FREE OF CHARGE!!!! It could have saved them $50 bucks!

At this point, I explained to the bitchy assistant that I will pick up the goddamn x-ray sometime on Tuesday afternoon when Dr. Brown is at the office location close to me and that I would drop them off the $10 fucking dollars when I got the x-ray IN HAND. She scoffed (surprise, surprise) and said that he was only there until 1:30. Okay, can’t I just write a friggin check and leave it with the front office staff? I guess not…….and after being put on hold and subject to more Muzak torture, the crabby ass assistant returned to say that I must WRITE A CHECK, make it out to Dr. Brown, place in an envelope with HIS name on it and leave it with the office staff when I picked up the x-ray. I agreed.

Later that night, I pondered why in the hell TEN DOLLARS is so goddamn important to him? I think between Dr. Brown and Igor, ooops, er, I mean his assistant, they have wasted over $50 bucks harassing me and trying to coordinate when/where I pick up the x-ray.

It’s not fucking gold for Pete’s sake…………just a picture of an ugly foot dressed in arthritis.

Today is now Saturday, and the nightmares of podiatrists both current and past will haunt me until Tuesday night when I wrap my grimy little fingers around the x-Ray that is now worth more to me than a kilo of COKE.

I hear “GIVE ME MY TEN DOLLARS” over and over again as I drift off to sleep every night……….