Let me explain, years back, when Dave and I eloped in Las Vegas, we *hit* the local porn store and loaded up on tons of video “gems” that we could smuggle back into Utah, safely hidden within our luggage. In doing this, we also snagged a VHS video of John Holmes, one of the country’s most famous porn star, as a gift to my mom, who has been a single parent for over three decades.

The tape was well received (I imagine, but didn’t inquire as to any details…..) but with the explosion of the DVD era and the demise of video tape, I envisioned that Mr. Holmes (a.k.a., Long Dong John….) was forever entombed in his bed of rectangular cardboard, neatly tucked away and never seen again.

Until now…….

Dave and I found a great website that ships a variety of porn anywhere in the United States. They have all sorts of juicy (and yes, somewhat frightening stuff) that includes anal, lesbo, MILF, midget, transgendered and quadruple penetration (okay……this one we purchased for ourselves in hopes of discovering something new such as WHERE IS THE fourth goddamn hole???).

A few of them (mostly just mellow hetero stuff,) are now en route to our house in hopes that they arrive in time for Christmas delivery to Grandma.