Kibitz ‘n Bits

posted by Brandy on Feb 1

So, I am on a hop recently from Salt Lake to Florida and I find myself planted in the middle seat of an overcrowded airplane.  There is not one empty seat in sight. 

No roomy, first class upgrade for me so it was back to coach to cram my fat, dimpled ass into the undersized seats of the economically challenged.  In fact, not only was I positioned smack dab in the middle of the NO-CLASS section of this particular flight, I was within ear shot (and goddamn olfactory range) of the shitter and I swear there were loose chickens, free from their rusty wire cages, scampering up and down the aisles.   

The flight departs and I now need a drink…………badly.   

So I decide to order myself a Bloody Mary.  I had a coupon from Delta for a free cocktail and, by god, I was gonna use it.  So I did!

Now, in hindsight, let me preface all of this by telling you it is NOT A GOOD IDEA for someone like me, someone who has Tourette’s syndrome, and who is planted in the middle seat of an overcrowded airplane, to order a Bloody Mary.   

In addition to this, given the fact that Bloody Mary’s include alcohol, toss in a little turbulence and you have yourself the makings for one hell of a party!!!   

Add the business woman who is clothed in a creme colored pant suit and seated in the row directly BEHIND you and we are in for one hell of a plane ride!   

BOOM!!!!    

YEP…………As you guessed it…….I TWITCHED!!!!    

FUCKING TURBULANCE!!!!…… 

OR SHOULD I SAY FUCKING TOURETTE’S?!! 

Anyway, plastic cup (that was, until that time, full of liquid) is now soaring through the air and RED Bloody Mary is whirling at high velocity and is now heading for its target, like a bumble bee aiming for the first Sunflower of spring.  The target being the business woman sitting directly behind me.   

Remember, she is clad in the pasty, pale creme power suit?   

And she is now pissed………..   

Obscenities begin to fly (surprisingly not from me….….but rather, from her???) so I slouch ever so slowly down into my chair.   

Flight attendants arrive to offer her club soda for the stains but through the narrow wedge between the seats, I glimpse the carnage for which there will be no relief.  I believe there is not enough club soda in the world that will repair the crimson stained cloth.   

Where is the Grim Reaper when you need him?  When you really, really need him…….? 

I apologized repeatedly but this particular passenger would not accept it.  The obscenities continued and I remained small and insignificant in my seat.   

Time sluggishly passed and we eventually landed, and finally the bell sounded for us to release our safety belts and exit the flight.  

I had luggage in hand and without a single glance back, I was the first passenger off the flight and was never to be seen again……..    

posted by Brandy on Nov 15

Words of advice, from an expert:

1. For starters, don’t go to Tijuana with your best friend (a female) looking for a “Donkey Show.”  Not a good idea……  They do have them (I’m sure) but when you start asking where you can find one, news travels fast and anxious authority figures will soon be trailing you.
2. Don’t tell ANYONEthat your name is Brandy.  Use some sort of pseudo-name such as Bernice, Betty, Bertha or Marge.  The name “Brandy” doesn’t bode well when suddenly it free pours INTO your glass all night along with random and numerous hits of Tequila Slammers.  
3. If you are going to dance with a POLE, don’t lick it (for god’s sake) and definitely don’t hump it!  You don’t know where it’s been.
4. No matter how much you have had to drink and NO MATTER how HOT the Marines are that are begging you to do it, don’t MAKE OUT with your girlfriend.  Again, you don’t know where “she’s” been.
5. When it’s time to go home, don’t lip off to border patrol as they are writing you a ticket for public intoxication.  Allow your friend (the girl) to flirt, fuck and do whatever she needs to do to get you back to the United States SAFELY. 
6. No matter how logical it seems to you, please don’t ask that the driver (your infamous friend…again who is now seeing double!) close one eye in order to follow the lines on the road. 
7. Finally, when heading from Tijuana to your hotel in San Diego, after 2 1/2 hours of driving and signs for the Disneyland exit start appearing, you have gone TOO FAR!