posted by Brandy on Dec 29
‘Twas 3 nights before Christmas and I cracked my elbow and broke my ass and here is how it all started….
It was a Thursday night and we were in the midst of a huge snowstorm in Utah. The deer were out and scouring my yard in search of apples or remnants of a salt lick from days past. A few hours earlier, I had stopped at the neighborhood grocery store and stocked up on carrots and knobby, maroon colored apples as I knew, if you build it, or rather, if you stockpile it, they (the deer) will come.
And they did….
At 6:03 pm, I glanced out my living room window to see “Momma”deer and her two does. I ecstaticly ran to the fridge, loaded my arms up with carrots and headed out my front door where I stopped and briefly waved a carrot. The deer looked at me with curiosity, and with their ears protruded towards me , seemed to take an interest in what I was waiving overhead.
I slowly stepped forward, nearing the top of my two-stepped porch, believing that the deer may actually come in close for a bite. Inch by slow, painful inch, I advanced, all the while, waving the carrot.
But then “Momma”, suddenly consumed with fear of the strange figure moving closer and erratically waving an orange stick, started to bolt and behind her trailed her two does.
Me, while not thinking (surprise, surprise) darted out after her, with an armful of carrots in tow, stepped on the top edge of my front porch, slipped on the ice covered step and landed abruptly on my left elbow and ass!
Stunned at first, I then bellowed for my husband, like a wounded cow who has been struck on the highway, still alive but nearing death and gurgling its last guttural moans.
Dave arrived to see an image of me, his once lovely and feminine wife, now laying sprawled unattractively in the icy snow. Carrots dotted the pavement around me and the vocalization of pain sputtered from my mouth.
As Dave tried to scoop me (and my fat ass) up from the ground, I pleaded that he let me stay lying breathless in the snow. Apparently, he now argues that I was claiming to be paralyzed while flailing my arms and legs all about so he felt that he needed to get me calm, to the couch and most importantly, medicated with a nice glass of Chardonnay……probably to shut me up.
The next morning, I awoke to a severely swollen left elbow and a hematoma on my left ass cheek so large that it would put Texas to shame.
I traveled to the urgent care medical clinic and learned that I had fractured my elbow and broke my tailbone along with the grossly enlarged hematoma (the bruise, not my ass this time) that, per the on-call physician, SHOULD be drained, but given the fact that I am frightened of needles, (and admittedly, somewhat frightened of the doctors that practice out of these so-called “Doc in a Box” clinics) I implored for mercy to not stick anything into my ass and to not bother draining it. Seriously…….if you think I was going to let someone stick a needle into my left ass cheek to drain blood out of it, you can think again!
The doctor reluctantly agreed not to drain my ass and sent me home with my arm in a sling, a donut for my ass and a prescription for 12 Darvocet (which are now all gone, by the way).
So, here I am, writing this blog, sitting on only half an ass (I won’t use the donut – they are ONLY for eating and not for sitting) and trying to type accurately with only one hand…….so forgive me for any typos…………..
And, as we are now rounding the corner into a new year, this time, I venture into it with a body that is 10 years older than it was last week.
(raising my glass to toast……) To the deer!