Kibitz ‘n Bits

posted by Brandy on Dec 29

‘Twas 3 nights before Christmas and I cracked my elbow and broke my ass and here is how it all started….

It was a Thursday night and we were in the midst of a huge snowstorm in Utah.  The deer were out and scouring my yard in search of apples or remnants of a salt lick from days past.  A few hours earlier, I had stopped at the neighborhood grocery store and stocked up on carrots and knobby, maroon colored apples as I knew, if you build it, or rather, if you stockpile it, they (the deer) will come. 

And they did….

At 6:03 pm, I glanced out my living room window to see “Momma”deer and her two does.  I ecstaticly ran to the fridge, loaded my arms up with carrots and headed out my front door where I stopped and briefly waved a carrot.  The deer looked at me with curiosity, and with their ears protruded towards me , seemed to take an interest in what I was waiving overhead. 

I slowly stepped forward, nearing the top of my two-stepped porch, believing that the deer may actually come in close for a bite.  Inch by slow, painful inch, I advanced, all the while, waving the carrot. 

But then “Momma”, suddenly consumed with fear of the strange figure moving closer and erratically waving an orange stick, started to bolt and behind her trailed her two does. 

Me, while not thinking (surprise, surprise) darted out after her, with an armful of carrots in tow, stepped on the top edge of my front porch, slipped on the ice covered step and landed abruptly on my left elbow and ass!  

Stunned at first, I then bellowed for my husband, like a wounded cow who has been struck on the highway, still alive but nearing death and gurgling its last guttural moans. 

Dave arrived to see an image of me, his once lovely and feminine wife, now laying sprawled unattractively in the icy snow.  Carrots dotted the pavement around me and the vocalization of pain sputtered from my mouth. 

As Dave tried to scoop me (and my fat ass) up from the ground, I pleaded that he let me stay lying breathless in the snow.  Apparently, he now argues that I was claiming to be paralyzed while flailing my arms and legs all about so he felt that he needed to get me calm, to the couch and most importantly, medicated with a nice glass of Chardonnay……probably to shut me up. 

The next morning, I awoke to a severely swollen left elbow and a hematoma on my left ass cheek so large that it would put Texas to shame. 

I traveled to the urgent care medical clinic and learned that I had fractured my elbow and broke my tailbone along with the grossly enlarged hematoma (the bruise, not my ass this time) that, per the on-call physician, SHOULD be drained, but given the fact that I am frightened of needles, (and admittedly, somewhat frightened of the doctors that practice out of these so-called “Doc in a Box” clinics) I implored for mercy to not stick anything into my ass and to not bother draining it.  Seriously…….if you think I was going to let someone stick a needle into my left ass cheek to drain blood out of it, you can think again!   

The doctor reluctantly agreed not to drain my ass and sent me home with my arm in a sling, a donut for my ass and a prescription for 12 Darvocet (which are now all gone, by the way). 

So, here I am, writing this blog, sitting on only half an ass (I won’t use the donut – they are ONLY for eating and not for sitting) and trying to type accurately with only one hand…….so forgive me for any typos…………..

And, as we are now rounding the corner into a new year, this time, I venture into it with a body that is 10 years older than it was last week. 

(raising my glass to toast……)  To the deer!

posted by Brandy on Nov 20

For those of you reading this blog who are hunters, here is fair warning that you might be offended. Okay, you will be offended but for right now, I don’t give a shit!

For those of you who know me, you know that I am a huge animal lover, passionate about animal rights and that I HATE HUNTERS. I hate them even more today then I did yesterday.

It all started when my husband and I took the kids and our two dogs to the park and spent the afternoon playing. Upon returning home, we found a burgundy colored, new Toyota Tacoma, parked at the base of our driveway and planted inside were two grown men, dressed in camouflage, and two young boys (around age 10) sitting in the back of the extended cab. All four of them were peering at our hillside through small, black binoculars. Perplexed, Dave and I pulled up our long driveway and parked our car. I kept gazing at the mountain side (that which is also my front yard) to see if I could spy what they were looking at.

Then I saw it. It was my family of dear (a beautiful brown doe, with a soft white tail and two of her baby fawns). I have come to know and foster this beautiful family by speckling deer food along the ridge-line up from my yard and throwing them the occasional apple or two.

Once I realized what the BOYS (and yes, from here on out I will refer to them as “Boys” since they will never earn the respect of being called “Men” in my world) were doing, I marched down to the base of my driveway and politely said, “Excuse me, you are NOThunting those deer are you?” They muffled a sharp “YES” and said that the Bow Hunt officially started and they were out to “get some deeeeeer.” (Thick, hickish accent………anyone remember the movie Deliverance?)

So I looked at them and snapped, “That wasn’t a question. You are NOT hunting those deer are you…..” With a look of surprise and a little irritation, they stated that they can bow hunt anywhere they want and that it is legal on any land that is not private.

I explained this land was ALL private and that I feed those deer everyday and that they are NOT going to hurt them. After a brief exchange of words that now I cannot recall, they drove off like injured animals, with their bows tucked between their legs in a hurry to flee from danger (MEAN OLD, BIG, SCARY BRANDY) and get to safety.

Later that evening, I did some research and learned that yes, the Bow Hunt in Utah officially started and much to my disgust, it is legal to bow hunt anywhere that is not within 600 feet from a residential dwelling. NICE……………..Bleck…….

So, I saved my family of deer that day.

But the hunters will be back. They will if they are smart enough to realize that this mountainside is not private property. And when they return, I will be right behind them. Only this time, with my air horn. YEP, you can teach your “sons” the (bull shit) art of hunting by driving through a populated, residential neighborhood that is dotted with families and small children, pull your truck over, park it next to the curb and walk 30 feet to kill a harmless deer and her fawns but I will be right behind you, ready to sound off my air horn to scare the deer out of your path. You suburban hunters are so talented…….WHOOOOOOO…….talk about SKILL, wow, I am SOOOOOOOO IMPRESSED.

If that isn’t bad enough, the two bucks that were accidentally hit by cars the other day, not too far from where I live, are still lying next to the road. Only this time, after lying there for 3 days, someone has now taken the liberty to SAW OFF THEIR ANTLERS, shamefully under the cover of night, and leave the rotting carcasses stripped of their bony outgrowths.

I imagine in the next week or two, those stolen antlers will be proudly displayed on someones wall. I think it is disgusting………..and quite pathetic.

posted by Brandy on Nov 8

My husband and I built a house a few years ago near the mouth of a large Utah canyon and is nestled in a bed of thick scrub oak and encased by several trees. Because of this, we are delighted to be exposed to diverse wildlife creatures including deer, squirrels, coyotes, eagles, quail and mice.

And so the story begins…….
Dave and I are in bed one night, lounging in our bed and catching up on shows previously recorded by our TIVO. The kids are asleep and the two of us, curled up like blintzes, are lying naked under the sheets and blissfully preparing to drift off. Then we heard “the noise”? A sort of high pitched mewing from a tortoise colored cat who only makes appearance on occasion, when she wants a treat or to scratch out someones eyes, hiss at our other cat or grumble when Daisy Duke, the golden retriever, gallops by. But this time, her mew was joyful. Almost as if she has just clawed the shit out of a young child?

Dave and I clamored out of bed and headed to the source of gleefulness. Into the laundry room, we see Cola, pawing at something underneath the washing machine.

It is a small, peanut sized gray field mouse.

I holler to Dave to get the bitch, oops, er I mean Cola, out of the laundry room so we can capture the mouse and get it to safety.
YES……..I know most of you would be asking for a mouse trap, poison or a GUN (you pussy) at this point in time, but I, being the animal lover that I am, cannot injure or harm any animal, nor can I stand by and watch the bitch, oops, er I mean Dave, let it continue to run loose in my house.

I grabbed a pea green colored bucket, dropped to my knees and barked out, “Chase the little fucker into here Dave!” Forgetting that I am naked and then realizing that I am bent over, on my hands and knees, holding a green bucket with my big, white ass staring into the sky, I suddenly realized that this is BAD NAKED. VERY BAD NAKED.

Oh well, I didn’t care.

My husband already married me and, at this point, I just wanted fuckin midget Ratatouille to scurry into my bucket so I could get the bastard to safety. And it did. FINALLY.

After an hour and a half of kneeling down, on a cold, tile floor, buck-ass naked and screaming at my husband to chase it here, chase it there, “Catch is you son of a bitch!!!”, the disoriented, tiny, gray field mouse, ran into my bucket.

Then it tried to hop out! NOOOOOOO………I barked out an order to Dave to grab me a towel and before I knew it, he threw it over the bucket and out the front door I went. YEP…….still naked!
I ran down to the bottom of the driveway (keep in mind that my driveway is nearly 200 feet long), into the dirt and allowed the tiny, gray mouse to escape safely and unscathed into the wilderness.

Again, with all of the commotion, as I began walking back up the lighted driveway, slow from exhaustion and sweat pouring from my face, I glance over to see my next door neighbors, who were enjoying a late night of cards with some friends, staring out their dining room window, with a look of both shock and confusion, at the naked, white (full figured) apparition sauntering back up the long driveway.

I didn’t care….I saved a mouse. And into the front door and straight back to bed I headed.