Kibitz ‘n Bits

posted by Brandy on Feb 1

So, I am on a hop recently from Salt Lake to Florida and I find myself planted in the middle seat of an overcrowded airplane.  There is not one empty seat in sight. 

No roomy, first class upgrade for me so it was back to coach to cram my fat, dimpled ass into the undersized seats of the economically challenged.  In fact, not only was I positioned smack dab in the middle of the NO-CLASS section of this particular flight, I was within ear shot (and goddamn olfactory range) of the shitter and I swear there were loose chickens, free from their rusty wire cages, scampering up and down the aisles.   

The flight departs and I now need a drink…………badly.   

So I decide to order myself a Bloody Mary.  I had a coupon from Delta for a free cocktail and, by god, I was gonna use it.  So I did!

Now, in hindsight, let me preface all of this by telling you it is NOT A GOOD IDEA for someone like me, someone who has Tourette’s syndrome, and who is planted in the middle seat of an overcrowded airplane, to order a Bloody Mary.   

In addition to this, given the fact that Bloody Mary’s include alcohol, toss in a little turbulence and you have yourself the makings for one hell of a party!!!   

Add the business woman who is clothed in a creme colored pant suit and seated in the row directly BEHIND you and we are in for one hell of a plane ride!   

BOOM!!!!    

YEP…………As you guessed it…….I TWITCHED!!!!    

FUCKING TURBULANCE!!!!…… 

OR SHOULD I SAY FUCKING TOURETTE’S?!! 

Anyway, plastic cup (that was, until that time, full of liquid) is now soaring through the air and RED Bloody Mary is whirling at high velocity and is now heading for its target, like a bumble bee aiming for the first Sunflower of spring.  The target being the business woman sitting directly behind me.   

Remember, she is clad in the pasty, pale creme power suit?   

And she is now pissed………..   

Obscenities begin to fly (surprisingly not from me….….but rather, from her???) so I slouch ever so slowly down into my chair.   

Flight attendants arrive to offer her club soda for the stains but through the narrow wedge between the seats, I glimpse the carnage for which there will be no relief.  I believe there is not enough club soda in the world that will repair the crimson stained cloth.   

Where is the Grim Reaper when you need him?  When you really, really need him…….? 

I apologized repeatedly but this particular passenger would not accept it.  The obscenities continued and I remained small and insignificant in my seat.   

Time sluggishly passed and we eventually landed, and finally the bell sounded for us to release our safety belts and exit the flight.  

I had luggage in hand and without a single glance back, I was the first passenger off the flight and was never to be seen again……..    

posted by Brandy on Jan 25

I can’t take credit for writing all of this but ran across it the other day and still laugh out loud……especially for me, the one with Tourette’s which makes ANY driving experience fun for both me AND my passengers.  HA!!!

1. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio.  Attempt to head-bang 
2. At stop lights, eyeball the person in the car next to you suspiciously.  With a look of fear, lock your doors!  
3. Two words: Chicken suit 
4. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint.  The more it  looks like blood, the better  
5. Have conversations with yourself, looking periodically over at the passenger seat while driving alone  
6. Stop at the green lights………..Go at the red ones  
7. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie doll out your window or sunroof.  Feel free to make it dance  
8. Eat food that requires silverware  
9. Pass cars super fast then drive very, very slowly
10. Sing without having the radio on (this is fun, particularly if you have a Jeep, like I do!)
11. Honk frequently without motivation
12. Wave at people often.  If they wave back, offer them a sharp, angry look and flash them an obscene gesture
13. Ask people for some Grey Poupon
14. Let pedestrians know who’s boss
15. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look
16. Restart your car at every stop light
17. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window
18. Paint your car with the saying, “Eat Me!  I’m Fresh!”  (one of my favorites….)
19. Drive with at least five cats in the car
20. Throw Spam

posted by Brandy on Jan 13

Are you a member of the “Cheaters Club“?

For those of you who don’t know what this is, there is a group of people that both Dave and I have come to know, over the years, who “cheat” on their spouses.  We have aptly named them “Members” of the Cheater’s Club and often laugh when we add another one to the list. 

What’s interesting is that many of them believe that no one in the world knows that it is going on.  They feel that their secrets are well kept and hidden.  However, they should give thought to others, who seemingly blend into the wallpaper but observe the obscurity.  We know more than you think………

posted by Brandy on Jan 5

It was October 15th, 1999, and Dave and I were headed to Las Vegas for a “planned” elope. We invited a few close friends, along with our family, to join us at The Paris Hotel, Las Vegas, so we could get married in a small ceremony at 4:00 pm the following day.

As we began our adventure, several events would soon follow that most people would believe to be signs indicating they should “probably” not proceed with the marriage.

For Dave and I, being incapable of intuiting the signs, the propulsion of these fateful events were not perceived as “warnings” but rather mere events leading to the union of two lives, blended together, that would forever be filled with surprise, laughter and most importantly, modesty in that we are all human and that love is real.

Here is what happened to Dave and I on that fateful day along with a few bits of advice for you, if YOU are getting married:

1. For starters, don’t ask your future in-laws to transport your wedding dress. Especially if they are driving from Salt Lake City to Las Vegas and the car they are using is on its last leg (or rather tire….) and is in desperate need of a permanent retirement to the local junkyard.
2. Be careful what you eat at the Bellagio Buffet. Not ALL shrimp is good for you and you might get the shits! It is best to eat lightly, no grazing, and skip the fucking seafood.
3. After eating at a Las Vegas buffet, if you DO happen to get the shits while climbing into the limousine, as you and your future husband head to city hall in order to obtain a marriage license, it is a good idea to pack a cold, wet rag along with you so you can briskly wipe the sweat that is beginning to bead between your eyebrows.
4. While sitting in that same limousine, politely ask the driver to “step on the fucking gas“ as City Hall will have the nearest toilet within reach.
5. Once you reach City Hall, if the burglar alarm has been sounded due to a disgruntled casino employee, filing for worker’s compensation, calmly inform the security guard that you have an “emergency” and you need to get to a bathroom as quickly as possible.
6. After blazing your way through the restroom door, ask that your future husband stand “On Guard” as the door will be jammed and will not close tightly.  Actually…..it won’t fucking close at all.
7. Upon leaving the bathroom, patiently wait in the line of individuals that has now gathered due to the temporarily closure of City Hall so that safety workers, including the local police department, can verify that the alarm was false and the building can safely be re-opened to the public.  This would also be a good time to pull out that cold, wet rag we talked about earlier…….
8. Following the receipt of your marriage license, grumble to your future husband that the shits may be returning and that you now want the entire world to “Piss Off”!  You are not waiting for another fucking limousine, you again have the shits and you need a taxi cab to return you quickly to your hotel.
9. Have cash on hand.  A lot of cash on hand.  Las Vegas cab drivers don’t like credit cards and the ATM’s will charge you thousands of dollars to extract cash out of them.
10. Finally……..once you reach your hotel, further empty your entrails and fall into your bed in hopes of a better day in the morning………Ignore the earthquake and two minor aftershocks.  Even though the quake rumbled the floor, shook the pipes, fractured the sink and broke your half swallowed glass of champagne in half………No one was injured (too seriously….) so disregard it and go back to sleep.  Your wedding day is just a few hours away…………